So You're Not really a Heroine, Are You?
by okh-eshivar
Summary: Lara Croft and Isaac Clarke take a break from their games to let off some steam, what with everyone from every game somehow knowing about her thing with Poison Ivy. Mystique and Chell wander drunkenly giving out advice, and Kuja gripes for no real reason, as usual.


**Issac Clarke, Lara Croft, **Shepard, **cloud of darkness,** **Kuja**, Zip, E, halo, God of War, Pokemon, **Nathan Drake, Poison Ivy,** **Mystique**, **Chell,** Alice, Duke Nukem, **Natla**

"Thought I'd find you here." Isaac strolled into the free running studio leisurely, eyes glancing over the toned body of Lara Croft as she deftly kicked off an alleyway grouping, bouncing her way three jumps up before latching onto the top of the structure. She swung her legs over her head easily, somersaulting onto her feet almost absently.

"That man drives me absolutely mad. Where does he get off, anyway? The entire premise of his series is a cheap imitation of my own, and yet he has the gull to speak to me as if…as if…"

"As if he's got a shot?" Isaac joked, leaning against the padded wall with arms crossed over armored chest.

Rather than laughing in response, she grimaced harshly and wrinkled her nose in frustration. "Billy No-Mates," she bit under her breath, leaping into the wall at her back and gripping the shallow grooves dug into the brick. In a single fluid motion, she drew up her legs and launched herself away, flipped, landed softly thirty feet below.

"You gain Durability since we last got together? You didn't even stumble that time."

"They discovered the final of the six Relics. It doubles my resistance to injury, and increases my damage points by 100 percent." She shot him a piercing smile, eyebrow arched delicately. "I could rip the limbs from a necromorph with my bare hands, how I am now."

"Maybe a slasher," he humored, chuckling. "I'd love to see you try it on a Guardian, though."

"Oh, hush," she waved her hand at its wrist, shooing him. "I've had a rough day."

"That bad? I've never seen you this riled up over a guy before."

"That's not it. I could care less about that git." Lara paused, letting out a heavy exhale and mounting her hands against her hips, gazing into a floor for a moment. "They found to relic, but now they're stuck in the Valhalla room. I absolute loathe that space, too much falling and screaming. Well, at least the way this bloke plays." She gestured dramatically, arms waving vertically in front of her. "I have to _jump _down onto the last pillar from the hammer. For some reason, they've got me flinging myself into the wall on the farthest side! I don't fancy falling into oblivion over and over, or even once for that matter. I mean, I had a hard enough time enduring Jormangandr's poison Eitr room, considering he couldn't figure out the last jump." She rubbed her upper arms with bare hands. "Every time I fall into that stuff it feels like my skin is melting off. I hate it."

Isaac chuckled a single note, and pulled away from the wall, approaching. Lara watched him neutrally, plaited hair dangling between her shoulder blades in a familiar fashion. He stopped a measured distance from her, about four feet, and quirked an eyebrow at her exasperated expression. They locked eyes for a moment, before he sighed and took his line gun from his side.

"You want a shot?" he grinned knowingly. She glared for a moment, then snatched the heavy weapon from him with a heave.

"Of course I want a bloody shot," Lara gritted, aiming the loaded, laser guided firearm at the stack of dense foamcore on the other end of the room.

"Careful. Don't just-"

"Dammit, Clarke! Don't you dare tell me how to shoot a goddamn-"

"Alright! Christ, you're short today."

"Right," she huffed. "Blame it on the blasted demographic."

There were a handful of silenced moments, before the walls thundered with the furious crack of the saw blade exploding from the nose of the weapon. It flew forward with immeasurable speed, slashing into the equipment as if it wasn't even there and punching a jagged hole into the solid wall behind it, smoking with residual energy. The kick back vibrated through the toned muscles of her arms, as if begging to be shot again. Lara smiled twistedly and shuddered.

"Ha…I think I'm in love," she purred, stroking the trigger eagerly. The scape, which she had just reduced to rubble, began to pulse and rebuild itself flawlessly to it original condition. Lara watched impassively before releasing another blade, and another, and another.

"Hey, hey. Hey! Come on, that ammo isn't easy to come by!"

"Bugger," she whispered. "That feels _good_."

"_I_ know something that'll feel even better…" Another voice, dripping with seductive intention, emerged from the doorway to their left. There, Poison Ivy leaned against the frame, crossed arms pushing her generous breasts further towards the hem of her asylum uniform. Issac gave her glance and averted his eyes, knowing full well what would happen to him if he continued to look. It was obvious that he wasn't the object of her intention.

The plant woman paced slowly to Lara, hips swaying and long legs accentuating her every motion, with every stride. With half lidded eyes, she approached the Tomb Raider from behind and draped her arms over her strong, lean shoulders. She brought her lips to Lara's ear and spoke airily, and Isaac couldn't help but notice that she seemed to lean into the near-Goddess. "Would you like a sample, lover?"

"What are you scheming at, Ivy? I thought you were working this shift," the brunette replied easily, brow furrowing upward very slightly in the heat of contact with the earthly equivalent of Gaia.

"Hnn, I'm only working in Arkham City today, and he decided to call it quits before unlocking Selina. So I'm off the rest of the night~" A green hand wandered to Lara's midriff provocatively. "I'm loving this look, Lara. Anniversary, is it?" She chuckled, smooth. "It's one of my favorites." Her hand dropped lower, brushing over the length of Lara's right arm and trailing down to the heavy steel in her grip.

"Hmph," she huffed at the cool contact, separating herself and glancing at the armored man.

"Industrialist," she grimaced. Considering his connections to planet crackers, she wasn't exactly fond of him. Isaac cleared his throat and regarded her.

"Hello, Ivy."

"That's _Poison Ivy_ to you, flesh sack," she snapped hostily, none too comfortable with his gross over familiarity. "Call me that again, and I'll give you a good look at your insides."

"Right, I forgot you'd rather be addressed using the name of a toxic weed." He didn't consider himself snarky, but something about the botanist made him want to antagonize her. Probably her severe, almost comical misandry.

Her mane of red-orange hair flared suddenly, and without warning she advanced on him with claws drawn and vined arms crazy with tentacle movement. Instinctively, Isaac squeezed his left hand into the small pressure point in his glove, lowering his segmented mask over his face. She stopped just inches him his head, glaring into the blue lights of his protective shield, maintaining impossible eye contact. They stayed this way for many moments before she grinned wickedly and pulled back, hair settling back into place.

"Typical. Stupid. Man." With bare feet she stepped soundlessly away and turned back to Lara. "I'll be in the greenhouse if you feel like stopping in, darling." A daring wink. "Don't be a stranger. Oh, and by the way, Kuja was asking for you. I don't know what he wanted; he was whining about the lack of theater appreciation, or something. I didn't care enough to listen."

"Thank you, Pamela. I'll look into it."

A dangerous, predatory smile, and she was gone. Isaac withdrew his mask and shot Lara a knowing glance, cheeky smile stretched over half his face.

"What?" she snapped, too defensively.

"Really?" he quipped. "You and Ivy…?"

"It's…" Red spread over her cheeks as she raised the Line Gun to her side. "It's nothing. Just a shag."

"A 'shag'? You've gotta be kidding me." He squeezed the bridge of his nose between thumb and forefinger, chuckling grimly. "I thought she was poisonous or something."

"Only if she must be. And don't give me that look, you know full well you'd do exactly that if you had the chance. She cornered me, I…I couldn't help myself."

"I didn't even know you swung that way."

"Well, I believe under certain circumstances… Bloody hell, you know. Look at her!" She gestured towards the door. "It hardly matters which way you 'swing' with that woman. She's sex-appeal incarnate! She fancies someone, they're hers. Point blank, period."

"So, she likes you. Wonderful. Like having a…wood nymph for a-"

"Hush."

"Does she use the vines while she's-"

"Hush, Isaac!"

"…I'll take that as a yes."

Lara groaned exasperatedly, tossing the gun to her companion with a heave. He narrowly caught it, disengaging machine quickly.

"Just let it drop, yeah?" she replied.

"If you say so. You gonna go find Kuja?"

"What, you fancy having a chat with that manky bloke? He's as tiring as they get, I'm not even certain why he's latched onto me so." She paused to wipe some resurfacing grim from her arms. "I don't even enjoy the theater."

"You wanna spar then?"

The Tomb Raider hummed absently to herself, closing her fists tightly at her sides. He knew that look. Something else was bothering her, something more deeply seated than the surface issues she's discussed.

"Some time, but not now. Now…" Hands ran through amber bangs as her body progressively dirtied further. "Now is work. Time to do my bit, then."

A high beep resonated throughout the space, the speaker in the center of the ceiling coming to life with a low, male voice. "Ms. Lara Amelia Croft, please report to the set of Underworld as soon as possible. Buffering in progress. Repeat, Lara Croft please report to Room 34, buffering and loading in progress."

"Back to Valhalla?"

"Regrettably. Perhaps he's found a decent walkthrough for aid." Her appearance began to shift, not so dramatically as he'd once seen, but the process was still far more noticeable than his own transformations. Black leather crawled over the formerly blue and brown clothing she wore as her hair darkened slightly and hitched into a higher, unplaited ponytail. Weapons began to take form all over her. Two guns, her signatures. Four hand grenades as the hem of her black pants. A shotgun, strapped at her back.

Faint blue lines of illumination laced around each of her hands, matching that which arose from the strange belt buckle around her hips. She held out her open palms and watched intently as an oversized hammer materialized in her grasp, its head laced with highly detailed carvings. It's weight forced the lean muscle of her arms to ripple under skin and fabric as its final form was realized.

"A cheat! Outrageous. I was so close to this thing I could feel it." She lifted it higher.

"Maybe I'll come watch."

"What, you fancy a look at what this charmer can do?" Lara gave a passive grin at the weapon she held. "It's quite impressive, if I do say so myself."

They left the exercise facility then, continuing to the elevator at the far end of the proceeding hallway. "I'll be impressed if it can take out the equivalent of the Hivemind."

"Well, keep up expectations like that and you'll never be satisfied."

"A Brute then?"

"Kills a Yeti thrall if four shots." The elevator clicked to life, doors drawing apart slowly. Inside, a blue-skinned, red haired woman and another with a messy brown ponytail and orange jumpsuit tied around her waist were leaning against the back of the lift. The latter had an arm slung over the former's shoulders, and they were both laughing rather manically into a bottle of what appeared to be whiskey.

"That guy…that guy is…Ugh, I hate him!" the blue mutant slurred, swigging a long gulp from the bottle. "Little, big mouthed little shit's got so much hair he'd take of his shirt and you'd think he was still wearing a sweater." The Caucasian girl guffawed loudly, nearly falling over.

"Mystique, Chell," Isaac acknowledged with humor laced in his tone. Chell covered her mouth with an open hand and held in her hysteria for a short time, regarding them with a loose nod. Mystique lurched out of the elevator, dragging Chell with her as she went.

"Isaac! What's goin' on in the deep dead, huh? And Lara! Lara…you get ahold of that blonde little number yet? You know she's single~" She gestured vaguely, clapping a hand over the archeologist's shoulder. "And I'm pretty sure she digs you."

"There is nothing going on between Amanda and I, Raven. I assure you. She's a bit too…moody for me."

"Huh, I always got a vibe from you two…" Isaac quipped.

"Right?!," the mutant smirked, swinging the bottle towards Chell, who grabbed it in mid air and tipped it back. "Wait! But no, I'm not talking about 'Manda. The other one. The older one. It's…dammit, what's her name…it's something…weird…"

Lara paused for a moment, thinking. The color drained from her face. "You're talking about Natla?"

"Natla! Yes! I like her. She's got sass."

"S…sass," Chell giggled inexplicably.

"That's…" Lara's face twisted, red flooding her features. "That is an absolutely _mad_-Are you daft?" She seemed a little too defensive over the whole thing. "Natla? She's my sworn enemy!"

"In the game, yeah. But this is real life! This is real, and you're both real. Why the hell not?"

"Raven, I'm not gay. Stop trying to hook me up with women."

"Really? No, wait. I call bullshit. Even with the whole Ivy thing?"

"You-" Lara lowered her voice at the notion, glancing around. "You know about that?"

"Lara, honey, everyone knows about that. She tackled you in front of half the cast of FFIII ! Even The Cloud of Darkness was cat calling you two. The Dissidia version of her. Wait, no. It was the Dissidia cast! All the antagonists saw it."

Lara clapped a hand over her own, beestung lips. "That…That must be why Kuja's been so batty around me! He thinks I'm gay!"

"Who gives a shit?" Mystique shot back. "Besides, if you two aren't fucking, then I think you've got some self discovery to undergo." She gestured at Isaac, who turned away at the notion.

"What the hell is that supposed to mean?"

"You guys are always hanging around each other. You're, like, almost inseparable outside your games."

"What, opposite sex friendships don't work without the odd sexual tension?"

"Mm…no. Not between two ridiculously attractive people. Not that it shouldn't! I personally hate straight relationships that are shoved down your throat. But if one of you isn't gay, neither of you should be allowed to exist." Another swig. "Anyways, I'd keep Ivy around. She's a good friend to have, ever since she and the clown broke up. Harley. That was ugly. I hated that bitch."

Lara pondered for a moment, then moved passed the women and into the lift. Isaac followed. "Well, I'd love to stay and chat, but I have a goddess to kill."

"Bon Voyage!" Chell yelled as the doors drew closed.

"Is your hip alright?"

"Yeah," the blonde groaned, taking hold of Lara's outstretched hand and pulling herself to her feet with assistance. "I just landed a little harder than I planned. I'll be fine." Amanda looked over her friend's shoulder. "You might want to check on Natla, though."

"She's a goddess. She'll be fine. But you're very human." Lara ran a hand through her bangs with a slight pout, examining Amanda's limp carefully. The blonde shifted uncomfortably under the gaze, turning her face to the side to hide her eyes behind the fringe of her white hair.

"I-I'm fine, don't worry. It can be a thing now," she smiled lopsidedly at the suggestion, her blush hidden neatly under the thick shadows provided by the atmospheric lighting.

"Well, alright. But I suggest you find a healer if you can. I think the FF cast is on break if you'd like to give them a ring."

"I'll keep it in mind…Ah!" She turned on her heel, only to meet Lara's shadow mere inches from her, causing her to very visibly flinch back. The doppelganger carried its enigmatic smile seamlessly, revealing only a dash of humor with a slight tug at the corner  
of her dark lips.

Amanda made a small noise and inched around it, shooting a glare as she went. Tawny, piercing eyes gripped Lara's. It crossed its arms over its full chest and smirked.

"Considering our genetic equality, you'd think she'd be more fond of me," it mused, not particularly injured by Amanda's hostility.

"Perhaps if you didn't sneak about her so often." When she had first laid eyes on the twisted clone, Lara had been extremely uncomfortable with the whole concept of its existence. But after realizing that, despite their similar appearances, personally they were somewhat different. And only a sorely drunk dolt would confuse the two of them, with that translucent skin, dark red hair and illuminating golden eyes.

It hummed quietly in contemplation before cocking her head slowly to one side and making an odd face. "So…You and Ivy, hm?"

Lara sputtered into a stupor, tripping over her own words. "How the hell-"

"Nevermind," it interrupted coyly. "It isn't as if I blame you. If someone like her fancies you, you'd be daft not to accept."

Lara grimaced at her logic, knowing that although she agreed, she'd never admit it.

"How did you acquire that accent?" she evaded, brow furrowed. It's a question she'd considered before.

It failed to reply, only turned on its heel, smirked, and walked back towards Natla. Lara let it drop, knowing full well the whole "Ohk Eshivar" trick didn't work outside of gameplay. She breathed in deeply and strapped the hammer to her back, shifting the weight of the shotgun to her other shoulder


End file.
